Ten signs your fencing jacket needs washing:

1. The team lets you have the change room all to yourself.

2. The time slots before and after your lesson remain empty.

3. Your coach increases your fees without notice.

4. Every fencer you ask to fence is on break.

5. You finally convince the new guy to fence you and he keeps retreating.

6. Your friends keep their masks on after your bout. 

7. You find $3.50 and a note in your gear bag with directions to the nearest laundromat.

8. The cleaning staff offer you a garbage bag and disinfectant.

9. The referee is always crying during your bouts.

And 10. No one gives you a ride to the pub after practice. By the time you walk there, your friends have gone home.

Learn to Launder!

I fence, therefore I am.

KK

Saying Goodbye

R.I.P.

The time has finally come — I need to move on...say goodbye, out with the old and into something — really bright white!

It's hard to say goodbye to something that has been with me through my first fencing lesson and my first tournament, but eventually, everything gets old and worn out. My old fencing jacket is no longer up to competition standards. So the UPS truck brought me a bright new white jacket with features I didn't even know I needed. Like a sparking titanium white fabric that doesn't bobble. What the heck is bobble? I'm a costume designer and I don't even know what bobble means.

It also has a sporting cut, which sounds very jauntily British, and a stylish grey ice® "dry layer" to wick away moisture. It even has Microsan in the fabric to help kill bacteria so I won't smell bad. Really? I don't smell — do I?

All these new advancements and improvements make me wonder how I ever fenced in my plain old 100% cotton jacket with heavy cotton lining.

In theory, you could fence in your father's old dress shirt if it wasn't for the FIE rules and regulations and the fear of being perforated.

Happiness is new fencing gear

Jaunty styling and stink-free fabric isn't really that much of an improvement over my cotton jacket. I'm waiting for the day when jackets are made of fabric that completely protects from bruising and are self-cleaning.

Until then, I'll retire my old jacket to the over-and-done-with box, and set my sights on a new mask - maybe one with a custom paint job!

I fence, therefore I am
KK

Couldn't Resist This

Toronto 2015 Pan Am/Parapan Am Logo

In my last post, I made fun of the Toronto 2015 fencing logo, where the fencer seemed to have created a whole new sport. At the time I thought it was an anomaly, but on closer inspection, I think not! Someone in the creative department for the Pan Am games had way too much fun on the job. 

Take a look at the the athletic figures. Specifically the tennis player in the middle.

Toronto 2015 logo

I know tennis can push athletes to their limit. Especially when faced with annoying spectators, however, attacking an unarmed spectator, (who has clearly surrendered), with a right forehand, is one step over the line.  

And not to be outdone, the wheelchair tennis player takes on an even more aggressive approach to deal with a heckler. He grabs the poor sot by the hand, intending to lob him over the net.

Toronto 2015 logo

Umpire, can I get a ruling on this?

I'll just post this next image and let you think about it for a minute. 

Toronto 2015 logo

I'm going to assume it's tandem cycling and the second cyclist is holding onto invisible handlebars — yeah, that's it —

Now, back to fencing.

I fence, therefore I am

KK

Fencing Pan Am Style

The Pan Am Games ticket brochure came out today. I'm hoping to get a ticket to fencing, if my volunteer schedule, as Props Assistant, allows. See my other blog- Pan Am Volunteer

What shocked me, was how different Pan Am Fencing is from ordinary fencing.

In Pan Am Fencing there are three players:

• the front fencer who is given the sword
• the middle fencer who is given the glove 
• and the wing fencer who is given the helmet

Pan Am logo on ticket brochure

Based on what I've learned from the brochure, the wing fencer kicks the middle fencer towards the front fencer who then tries to impale the middle fencer before he himself is hit in the head. 

The middle fencer is allowed to defend using his hand, but only hitting the target area above the neck. 

The bouts last a full minute and points are scored when the sword goes clean through the middle fencer. Bonus points if the sword also goes through the wing fencer at the same time. 

Yellow cards are given for excessive kicking or dancing after the referee calls halt.

Gotta get me a ticket to that!

I fence, therefore I am

KK

Challenge

This saying was passed along to me from my cake decorating instructor.

I know you're thinking, what's cake decorating got to do with fencing? Actually nothing, other than I bake and decorate cupcakes for my fencing class every so often. A little sugar rush to heighten the adrenaline. I guess if you are desperate to draw a parallel, you could say that both piping icing and blade work require subtle hand movements. 

The saying, however, reminded me to challenge myself, in all aspects of life. Whether it be cake decorating or fencing — stretch yourself. The only way to grow is to seek challenges. In fencing, the fastest way to grow and improve is to fence someone better than yourself. Seek out the more experienced fencers. Don't worry about your game, focus on what they are doing. Take the hits and learn from them. Then reward yourself with something sweet.

Cupcake anyone?

I fence, therefore I am

KK

You Scream, I Fence

To scream or not to scream - is that the question?

Is screaming and yelling involuntary or is it a tactical ploy to gain a slight advantage over your opponent?

Why do some fencers scream and yell and others don't?

I wonder if there are statistics on screaming fencers. Do they win more bouts than non screamers?

I once heard a white-haired veteran fencer scream so loud it curdled the energy drink in my water bottle. When I realized he hadn't impaled himself on his own sword, I started laughing. It sounded like every move he made was the hardest thing he had ever done. And I wondered if making loud noises was part of duelling?

When duelling to the death, in the good old days, did people scream at each other?

As I pondered the whys of screaming fencers, I came across Dr. Harold Gouzoules, a professor of psychology at Emory University. He researches animal behavior, primate social behavior and communication, and vocal communication in primates. His current research project is examining the evolution and ethology of screams in human and nonhuman primates.

Dr. Harold Gouzoules - Psychology of Screaming

"Many animal species are known to scream and these vocalizations most likely first evolved as a way to startle an attacking predator and provide a chance to escape.  In some social animals, screams are also a means to recruit help when in trouble with members of your own species.  Our earlier research on several species of monkeys, for example, revealed that an attacked individual’s screams recruit assistance from its kin and allies. These loud and distinctive vocalizations provide information about the victim’s situation to its supporters, even when they are some distance away."

The full article can be read at: http://wamc.org/post/dr-harold-gouzoules-emory-university-psychology-screaming

Dr. Gouzoules research, if applied to fencing, would suggest that a fencer who screams during a bout is in fact scared and trying to summon help from the sidelines. Interesting, very interesting... The next time, instead of being annoyed by a screaming fencer, I'll remember that they are so scared they can't control their fear!!

To scream or not to scream...

There is no ruling against screaming and yelling in fencing, as long as it's not obscene or directed at someone. So scream if you must, just remember you will be forever floating around the internet with your mouth wide open. 

I am, therefore I fence.

KK

Best & Worst Fencing Hits

photo credit Kim Kellett

Is there one hit, one point, that stands out amongst the thousands you've made? A split second victory that brings a smile to your face when you think about it?

I have two such moments — so far.

And what about those hits that made you cringe and apologize profusely?

I remember each of my two favourite points for very different reasons.

The first one was at my very first tournament. It rings supreme in my memory. The tournament was held at a local club. As usual, very few women showed up and I was in a pool of all men. All of them veteran fencers, each with a couple of lifetimes of experience.

I won my first two bouts, then I stepped onto the piste for a third. My opponent was a very arrogant man who thought women shouldn't fence him because it was a waste of his time. The second the referee called "Allez", I lunged forward, straight thrust, no parry, and landed a most glorious, (not to brag, but), fabulous hit centre chest. I saw his face through his mask and I have to admit, I was a little fearful. His next two hits on me were hard slaps, off target. Then we got back to fencing. He won the bout 5-3, but the look of shock on his face when I first hit him, will be with me forever!

My second best hit was against Eleanor Harvey, who recently won the a silver metal at the Fencing Junior World Championships.

The memory of this hit makes me smile because it puts me in a very elite group of fencers. There are not many out there that can brag they got a point on Eleanor Harvey!

When I first met her at the club, I had no idea who she was (dah) and asked her if she wanted to fence. She graciously, without hesitation, picked up her sword and mask. 

She's a lefty with a unique style of fencing and I'm positive she could have trounced me in 5 seconds — a point a second. To her credit, she let me try some moves and at one point when someone distracted her, I hit her. I know this sounds impossible, but I made a hit on Eleanor Harvey! Okay, she was looking the opposite way when it happened...

My worst hit was three weeks ago against a very tall teenager. I'm almost six feet tall and I had to crane my neck to look up at him. He was lanky and flopped about like most new fencers do.

The boy kept aiming high, so on his lunge I ducked. As I ducked, the tip of my sword caught him square in the crotch on an upward thrust while he ploughed into it on a downward lunge. I don't think I have to go into any more details here, suffice it to say, he may never have children.

I apologized and then left him to his agony.

Fencing, like any contact sport, will have its share of good and bad hits. When someone makes a point on me that I know they will remember for a long time to come, I laugh and remember — it's just a game!

I am, therefore I fence.

KK

Foil Laughs

Sometimes old jokes are worth repeating...

How can a foil fencer defeat his opponents?

Take tons of lessons. Practice thousands of hours. Switch to epee.

Pirate on the Piste

Every fencing club has one. 

The pseudo Pirate.

Easily recognized by:

• a jaunty head bandana
• shoulder length hair
• a pompous, excessively swishy salute
• an eye patch stashed in their gear bag

When a new pirate arrives at the club, I try to remember: To each, his own. They are entitled to the fantasy that brought them to fencing.

The trouble with an untamed pirate is the physical pain they inflict on club members.

Their foil flails like a sabre and they constantly forget what is off-target. It's akin to playing high school field hockey with the nasty girls — your shins are scared for life.

Pirates also have a tendency to jump about the piste. A simple lunge is far too mundane. They have to re-enact leaping from quarter deck to main deck while simultaneously yelling, "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts."


There are some coaches who can tame pirates. It's not an easy task, best left to those with a large pirate vocabulary. Club members are advised to be patient and invest in some soccer shin guards. Better to be safe and get neck and arm guards too.

Unfortunately, some pirates are never housebroken. Most of these rogues eventually move on, having gained enough fencing knowledge to cosplay effectively when Comic Con is in town. Those who can't be tamed but continue attending the club should be steered towards historical fencing - much more suited to their wild swash buckling fantasies and need of costumes.

The best way to deal with a pirate who stays with the club, but refuses to be tamed, is to fence him/her on their terms. Fence like he/she fences — slash, swat jab, jump and yell pirate quotes. Give it back to them in the best movie swordplay you can muster. When they ask what you are doing, tell them, "Ya scurvy scallywag, I'm goin ta go on account and measure ya fer chains." I've been assured that this is nasty but not rude. Any true pirate would get the meaning.

There are no guarantees with pirates. This approach may only encourage their black heart behaviour. If it does, the final option is to sew a stuffed parrot to the shoulder of your fencing jacket, swap out your club crest with this one:

And hang a warning sign on the club door, for landlubbers:

  

I am, therefore I fence.

KK

Just for Fun Fencing Tournament

Doodling around on a Monday morning...

Coloured Fencing Clothes

As a designer, I love colour. As a fencer — not so much.

When a fencer wears coloured socks on the piste, two thoughts come to mind. Either he is a challenging opponent and knows it, or he is a nub and doesn't know it. One way or the other, colour is making it's way into fencing.

Allstar FIE 1600N Coloured mask - allstarfencing.us

In the past few years, fencing traditions have been swallowed up by the commercial need to engage more participants and spectators. In this regard, pistes have been illuminated with coloured lights, masks have been painted with crazy patterns and there have been multitudes of rainbow coloured fencing clothing.

The slide away from white fencing uniforms began with little splotches of colour on the non-sword arm, club logos and flags. Then colour slid down the leg and adorned the nickers. Any day now I expect to see Coke and Mountain Dew advertisements splayed across back pockets.

Do we need coloured fencing clothes? Isn't fencing exciting enough on its own?

I don't mind fun socks once in a while, but I fear the recent addition of seven coloured socks from Leon Paul. These are entertaining for college and university clubs who want to show their team spirt, and not lose each other in a crowd, but what happens when the socks go mainstream?

Coloured Advance Fencing Socks - leonpaul.com

In the hands of the average fencer, or in this case, on the feet of the average fencer, coloured socks could morph into tartan and paisley!

Allstar Women's Foil lame - allstarfencing.us

It's not only socks and masks; there are coloured lames, sword handles and blades. Where will it end?

Can we agree to leave colour out of tournaments? I'll accept  coloured gear for the club and JFF tournaments, but please, keep it white for serious competitions. The last thing I want to hear on the piste is the announcer commenting on my opponents fashion sense.

A white fencing jacket gives a nod to fencing history and it  equalizes people on the piste. They begin a bout on equal terms, not prejudged by what they are wearing. Tennis, went down the same road that fencing is headed down — relaxing uniform rules. You don't have to look very far to see where that went - Venus William's 2010 lingerie tennis dress...

Fencing uniforms are made for protection. There are no points for costume design in fencing. Some fencers claim the addition of coloured clothing is progress and individualism. Maybe so, but I swear I'll give up fencing if they add sequins and theme music.

I am, therefore I fence

KK

New LEGO Fencer

New LEGO Fencer 

I've stepped on more LEGO in my day than I've been hit with a fencing sword, and yet, I find this new LEGO Fencer very appealing—despite the photo stylist's lack of fencing knowledge — sword in left hand while wearing a right hand jacket and glove. 

I would toss out Harry Potter for him. Okay, I'd toss out Voldemort. I lost his wand long ago anyway. 

I can forgive the LEGO faux pas, on the grounds that the new release of a mini fencing figure breaks up an otherwise bleak month. After New Year's Eve, there's little to celebrate in January. For the rest of the month, I pretend that it's fun to be outside wearing three layers of clothing. 

Having a little yellow-smiley-faced LEGO man to pursue in January, besides sounding a little pathetic, is just fun.

All things considered the LEGO fencer looks pretty
good, a far cry from the Playmobil's astronaut fencer. I do like Playmobil's feet, but then it wouldn't be LEGO and he wouldn't be able to play with the other pieces. 

Playmobil Fencer

The new little LEGO mensch has already shown up on eBay. It sells for $3.99 per package in stores. eBay listings start at $5.50. Which in the long run, even with the auction, could be cheaper than buying random packages until you find a fencer. 

The marketing scheme plays to our ego. You think you will be the lucky one that finds a fencer. When you don't find it, your ego is offended, it's like a newbie catching you off guard and landing a bruising hit. You have to retaliate and strike back. You buy another package, but it doesn't stop there. You buy another one, and another one. You put off buying a new sword to buy one more mystery LEGO bag, in the hope of finding the elusive figure.

You know the fencer will be as plentiful as Tickle Me Elmo, a year after it was released, if you can you wait that long.

I wonder if there is a back pocket in his nickers to hold the new Pebble tester? I still don't have one of those either.

Hopefully, they will bring out a foil and a sabre version. Am I asking for too much? What about a referee and a piste, interchangeable vests that you can write names on, a fencing master's jacket, a score box that lights up...hmmm...maybe I should be working for LEGO!

Happy hunting.

I am, therefore I fence.

KK

A Fencer's New Year's Resolution

New Year's 2015:

• I will add one more fencing practice each week.

• I will allow one newbie to beat me on purpose.

• I will trounce every n00b that challenges me on the piste.

• I will not wear coloured socks while fencing.

• I will not laugh at old fencers who take themselves too seriously.

• I will make sure my sword has a rubber tip on it.

• I will stop using pirate voices to answer the coach.

• I will not fence only to win, but to enjoy the sport.

• I will compete only when I want to.

• I will not grunt when I lunge.

• I will remember that the reason I fence is because I suck at team sports.