Pirate on the Piste

Every fencing club has one. 

The pseudo Pirate.

Easily recognized by:

• a jaunty head bandana
• shoulder length hair
• a pompous, excessively swishy salute
• an eye patch stashed in their gear bag

When a new pirate arrives at the club, I try to remember: To each, his own. They are entitled to the fantasy that brought them to fencing.

The trouble with an untamed pirate is the physical pain they inflict on club members.

Their foil flails like a sabre and they constantly forget what is off-target. It's akin to playing high school field hockey with the nasty girls — your shins are scared for life.

Pirates also have a tendency to jump about the piste. A simple lunge is far too mundane. They have to re-enact leaping from quarter deck to main deck while simultaneously yelling, "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts."


There are some coaches who can tame pirates. It's not an easy task, best left to those with a large pirate vocabulary. Club members are advised to be patient and invest in some soccer shin guards. Better to be safe and get neck and arm guards too.

Unfortunately, some pirates are never housebroken. Most of these rogues eventually move on, having gained enough fencing knowledge to cosplay effectively when Comic Con is in town. Those who can't be tamed but continue attending the club should be steered towards historical fencing - much more suited to their wild swash buckling fantasies and need of costumes.

The best way to deal with a pirate who stays with the club, but refuses to be tamed, is to fence him/her on their terms. Fence like he/she fences — slash, swat jab, jump and yell pirate quotes. Give it back to them in the best movie swordplay you can muster. When they ask what you are doing, tell them, "Ya scurvy scallywag, I'm goin ta go on account and measure ya fer chains." I've been assured that this is nasty but not rude. Any true pirate would get the meaning.

There are no guarantees with pirates. This approach may only encourage their black heart behaviour. If it does, the final option is to sew a stuffed parrot to the shoulder of your fencing jacket, swap out your club crest with this one:

And hang a warning sign on the club door, for landlubbers:

  

I am, therefore I fence.

KK