Pirate on the Piste

Every fencing club has one. 

The pseudo Pirate.

Easily recognized by:

• a jaunty head bandana
• shoulder length hair
• a pompous, excessively swishy salute
• an eye patch stashed in their gear bag

When a new pirate arrives at the club, I try to remember: To each, his own. They are entitled to the fantasy that brought them to fencing.

The trouble with an untamed pirate is the physical pain they inflict on club members.

Their foil flails like a sabre and they constantly forget what is off-target. It's akin to playing high school field hockey with the nasty girls — your shins are scared for life.

Pirates also have a tendency to jump about the piste. A simple lunge is far too mundane. They have to re-enact leaping from quarter deck to main deck while simultaneously yelling, "I am the Dread Pirate Roberts."


There are some coaches who can tame pirates. It's not an easy task, best left to those with a large pirate vocabulary. Club members are advised to be patient and invest in some soccer shin guards. Better to be safe and get neck and arm guards too.

Unfortunately, some pirates are never housebroken. Most of these rogues eventually move on, having gained enough fencing knowledge to cosplay effectively when Comic Con is in town. Those who can't be tamed but continue attending the club should be steered towards historical fencing - much more suited to their wild swash buckling fantasies and need of costumes.

The best way to deal with a pirate who stays with the club, but refuses to be tamed, is to fence him/her on their terms. Fence like he/she fences — slash, swat jab, jump and yell pirate quotes. Give it back to them in the best movie swordplay you can muster. When they ask what you are doing, tell them, "Ya scurvy scallywag, I'm goin ta go on account and measure ya fer chains." I've been assured that this is nasty but not rude. Any true pirate would get the meaning.

There are no guarantees with pirates. This approach may only encourage their black heart behaviour. If it does, the final option is to sew a stuffed parrot to the shoulder of your fencing jacket, swap out your club crest with this one:

And hang a warning sign on the club door, for landlubbers:

  

I am, therefore I fence.

KK

Just for Fun Fencing Tournament

Doodling around on a Monday morning...

Coloured Fencing Clothes

As a designer, I love colour. As a fencer — not so much.

When a fencer wears coloured socks on the piste, two thoughts come to mind. Either he is a challenging opponent and knows it, or he is a nub and doesn't know it. One way or the other, colour is making it's way into fencing.

Allstar FIE 1600N Coloured mask - allstarfencing.us

In the past few years, fencing traditions have been swallowed up by the commercial need to engage more participants and spectators. In this regard, pistes have been illuminated with coloured lights, masks have been painted with crazy patterns and there have been multitudes of rainbow coloured fencing clothing.

The slide away from white fencing uniforms began with little splotches of colour on the non-sword arm, club logos and flags. Then colour slid down the leg and adorned the nickers. Any day now I expect to see Coke and Mountain Dew advertisements splayed across back pockets.

Do we need coloured fencing clothes? Isn't fencing exciting enough on its own?

I don't mind fun socks once in a while, but I fear the recent addition of seven coloured socks from Leon Paul. These are entertaining for college and university clubs who want to show their team spirt, and not lose each other in a crowd, but what happens when the socks go mainstream?

Coloured Advance Fencing Socks - leonpaul.com

In the hands of the average fencer, or in this case, on the feet of the average fencer, coloured socks could morph into tartan and paisley!

Allstar Women's Foil lame - allstarfencing.us

It's not only socks and masks; there are coloured lames, sword handles and blades. Where will it end?

Can we agree to leave colour out of tournaments? I'll accept  coloured gear for the club and JFF tournaments, but please, keep it white for serious competitions. The last thing I want to hear on the piste is the announcer commenting on my opponents fashion sense.

A white fencing jacket gives a nod to fencing history and it  equalizes people on the piste. They begin a bout on equal terms, not prejudged by what they are wearing. Tennis, went down the same road that fencing is headed down — relaxing uniform rules. You don't have to look very far to see where that went - Venus William's 2010 lingerie tennis dress...

Fencing uniforms are made for protection. There are no points for costume design in fencing. Some fencers claim the addition of coloured clothing is progress and individualism. Maybe so, but I swear I'll give up fencing if they add sequins and theme music.

I am, therefore I fence

KK

New LEGO Fencer

New LEGO Fencer 

I've stepped on more LEGO in my day than I've been hit with a fencing sword, and yet, I find this new LEGO Fencer very appealing—despite the photo stylist's lack of fencing knowledge — sword in left hand while wearing a right hand jacket and glove. 

I would toss out Harry Potter for him. Okay, I'd toss out Voldemort. I lost his wand long ago anyway. 

I can forgive the LEGO faux pas, on the grounds that the new release of a mini fencing figure breaks up an otherwise bleak month. After New Year's Eve, there's little to celebrate in January. For the rest of the month, I pretend that it's fun to be outside wearing three layers of clothing. 

Having a little yellow-smiley-faced LEGO man to pursue in January, besides sounding a little pathetic, is just fun.

All things considered the LEGO fencer looks pretty
good, a far cry from the Playmobil's astronaut fencer. I do like Playmobil's feet, but then it wouldn't be LEGO and he wouldn't be able to play with the other pieces. 

Playmobil Fencer

The new little LEGO mensch has already shown up on eBay. It sells for $3.99 per package in stores. eBay listings start at $5.50. Which in the long run, even with the auction, could be cheaper than buying random packages until you find a fencer. 

The marketing scheme plays to our ego. You think you will be the lucky one that finds a fencer. When you don't find it, your ego is offended, it's like a newbie catching you off guard and landing a bruising hit. You have to retaliate and strike back. You buy another package, but it doesn't stop there. You buy another one, and another one. You put off buying a new sword to buy one more mystery LEGO bag, in the hope of finding the elusive figure.

You know the fencer will be as plentiful as Tickle Me Elmo, a year after it was released, if you can you wait that long.

I wonder if there is a back pocket in his nickers to hold the new Pebble tester? I still don't have one of those either.

Hopefully, they will bring out a foil and a sabre version. Am I asking for too much? What about a referee and a piste, interchangeable vests that you can write names on, a fencing master's jacket, a score box that lights up...hmmm...maybe I should be working for LEGO!

Happy hunting.

I am, therefore I fence.

KK

A Fencer's New Year's Resolution

New Year's 2015:

• I will add one more fencing practice each week.

• I will allow one newbie to beat me on purpose.

• I will trounce every n00b that challenges me on the piste.

• I will not wear coloured socks while fencing.

• I will not laugh at old fencers who take themselves too seriously.

• I will make sure my sword has a rubber tip on it.

• I will stop using pirate voices to answer the coach.

• I will not fence only to win, but to enjoy the sport.

• I will compete only when I want to.

• I will not grunt when I lunge.

• I will remember that the reason I fence is because I suck at team sports.